How to Manage Stubborn Behavior in Autistic Children

When your autistic child acts stubborn, you may feel alone. Many parents go through this too.

• 13% to 27% of kids with autism show oppositional behaviors. This makes Autism & Stubbornness hard for families.
  You can help by learning how your child sees things. Find out what causes their reactions. Talking openly and working together with other caregivers helps. This can lower tough behaviors and build trust.

Being kind and having a plan helps you stay patient and confident each day.

Key Takeaways

• Know that stubborn behavior in autistic children can come from anxiety, sensory problems, or a strong need for routine.
• Keep routines the same to help your child feel safe. This can lower their anxiety. Tell them about changes before they happen.
• Use clear ways to talk, like pictures and easy words. This helps your child know what you expect.
• Stay calm and patient when your child acts stubborn. How you react affects the situation.
• Give choices to your child to help them feel in control. Simple choices can help stop power struggles.
• Notice and accept your child’s feelings. Saying you understand their emotions builds trust. It helps your child talk more openly.
• Use positive reinforcement to support good behavior. Celebrate small wins to help your child feel confident.
• Get professional help if stubborn behavior makes daily life hard. Therapists can give helpful ideas and support.

Autism & Stubbornness

What Is Stubbornness

You may see your child not wanting to change their mind. They might do things the same way every time. Stubbornness in autistic children can look like:

• Having a hard time with changes in routine or place
• Not wanting to try new things or follow requests
• Getting upset when they cannot say what they feel or know what others want
• Strong reactions to sounds, lights, or how things feel

These actions are not just about being difficult. They come from bigger challenges your child faces every day.

Why It Happens

Anxiety

Many autistic children feel worried when things change. They also feel anxious when they do not know what will happen. Anxiety can make your child want to control things around them.

This can look like stubbornness. For example, your child may want to wear the same shirt every day. They may only eat certain foods. Anxiety can also come from pain or feeling bad that your child cannot talk about.

Sensory Issues

Your child may react strongly to loud sounds or bright lights. Some textures can bother them. Everyday noises or feelings can be too much. This can make your child feel very alert and tense.

When your child feels bad, they may not want to do things or go places. This is not just stubbornness. It is a way for your child to keep themselves safe from feeling upset.

Need for Routine

Many autistic children need routines to feel safe. Schedules that stay the same help them know what will happen. If routines change, your child may not want to go along or may get upset.

This need for routine is a big part of Autism & Stubbornness. Routines help your child feel less worried and more in control.

Try to keep routines the same as much as you can. If you must change something, let your child know ahead of time.

How Autism Impacts Behavior

Autism & Stubbornness often go together because autism makes it hard to be flexible. Research shows autistic children have trouble moving from one thing to another.

They may go back to old habits even when you ask them to try new ones. This happens because their brains handle change in a different way.

You may notice your child doing the same things or saying the same words. They may not want to try new things.

Autism & Stubbornness are linked because your child’s brain likes what is familiar. When you know these reasons, you can help your child with patience and support.

Communication

Open Dialogue

You help your child most when you talk honestly with them and other caregivers. Sharing what works and what does not can really help.

When everyone uses the same words and actions, your child feels safe. They also feel less mixed up. You can use easy words, short sentences, and even hand signs or pictures to share your message.

Sometimes, your child may not answer with words. Watch how they move or look at you. These clues show what they need.

Use a notebook or app to share news with teachers, therapists, and family. This helps everyone know what is happening.

Here are some ways to talk that work well:

Managing Expectations

Clear rules help your child know what will happen next. This lowers stress and helps them follow directions. When you explain rules and routines, use words your child knows.

Show them what you want with pictures or charts. If something must change, tell them before it happens. This helps your child get ready and feel more in control.

A set routine helps your child learn and feel less worried. When you have clear rules, your child knows what is okay and what is not.

This makes it easier for them to join in and listen. Caregivers and therapists who work together help your child feel safe and ready to join in.

Structured Plans

You can help with Autism & Stubbornness by making clear plans. Start by making a calm space at home. Use picture boards or stories to show what will happen each day.

Watch for things that make your child stubborn. Loud sounds or sudden changes might upset them. When you see these things, you can plan ahead and use calming tools like deep breaths or a favorite toy.

When you use these plans every day, your child knows what to expect. This helps stop meltdowns and builds trust.

Strategies

Regulate Your Response

When your child shows stubborn behavior, your reaction matters a lot. You set the tone for how things go next. If you stay calm, your child feels safer and more understood. If you get upset, your child may feel more anxious or dig in even more.

Stay Calm

You can’t control every situation, but you can control how you respond. Take a deep breath. Give yourself a moment before you speak or act. This pause helps you think clearly and avoid saying something you might regret.

Here are some ways to help you stay calm:

• Notice your own stress signs, like tight shoulders or a fast heartbeat.
• Step away for a minute if you need space.
• Use deep breathing or count to ten before responding.
• Remind yourself that your child’s behavior is not personal.

Practice calming techniques when things are quiet. This makes it easier to use them when you feel stressed.

Avoid Power Struggles

Trying to “win” an argument with your child often leads to more stress for both of you. Instead, focus on working together. If you notice a power struggle starting, step back and try a different approach.

• Offer choices instead of demands.
• Use humor to lighten the mood.
• Change the subject or suggest a break if things get tense.

You can also prepare by practicing these skills ahead of time. Role play with another adult or even by yourself. This helps you get comfortable with new ways to respond.

Here are some evidence-based strategies for parents to regulate their own emotional responses:

• Emotion regulation training helps you spot your own stress and use coping skills.
• Role play and practice let you model calm, helpful responses.
• Teaching replacement skills focuses on building new habits, not just stopping old ones.

Validate Feelings

Your child’s feelings are real, even if you don’t always understand them. When you show that you notice and accept their emotions, you build trust. Your child feels safe to share what’s going on inside.

You might say, “I see you’re upset,” or “It looks like you’re frustrated.” You don’t have to fix the feeling right away. Just let your child know you care.

• Validating feelings builds trust and emotional security.
• Kids are more likely to share their needs when they feel heard.
• When you acknowledge emotions, your child learns to trust you and themselves.
• Emotional support helps your child cooperate and learn better.
• Ignoring or dismissing feelings can make it harder for your child to trust and feel confident.

When your child is upset, get down to their level and use a calm voice. Say what you see: “You look sad. Do you want to tell me about it?” Even if your child doesn’t answer, they know you care.

Offer Choices

Giving your child choices can turn a tough moment into a positive one. Choices give your child a sense of control. This can lower anxiety and make them more willing to cooperate.

“Offering choices is a powerful technique in ABA therapy. By providing options, such as allowing a child to choose between two activities, parents can empower the child. This sense of control can boost their willingness to comply. Research shows that when children feel they have a say, they are more engaged and likely to follow through with requests.”

You might ask, “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after you put on pajamas?” or “Would you like to use the blue cup or the red cup?” Keep choices simple and clear.

• Choices help your child feel respected.
• They reduce the chance of a power struggle.
• Your child learns to make decisions and feel proud of their choices.

When you use these strategies, you help your child handle Autism & Stubbornness in a way that feels safe and supportive for both of you.

Use Visual Supports

Visual supports can make a big difference for your child. You might use pictures, charts, or written steps to show what comes next.

These tools help your child understand what you expect. When things feel clear, your child feels less confused and less frustrated.

• Visual supports help your child know what to do next.
• They lower anxiety by making routines and rules easy to see.
• You can use them to show choices, steps, or schedules.
• Many therapists use visual supports in ABA programs because they work well.

Let’s say your child struggles with getting ready for school. You can make a picture chart with each step: brush teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, put on shoes. Your child can check off each step. This makes the morning smoother and helps your child feel proud.

Visual supports also help prevent meltdowns. If your child knows what is coming, they feel safer. You can use timers, first-then boards, or even simple drawings. These tools help your child move from one activity to another without feeling lost.

Try using a visual schedule for daily routines. Hang it where your child can see it. Update it together each morning.

Maintain Routine

Routines help your child feel safe. When you keep things the same, your child knows what to expect. This lowers stress and helps your child handle changes better.

You can build routines for mornings, meals, homework, and bedtime. Use the same steps each day. If you need to change something, let your child know ahead of time. You might say, “Today, we will go to the store after lunch.” This helps your child get ready for new things.

Visual supports work well with routines. You can use a timer to show when playtime ends. You can use a checklist for chores. These tools help your child feel in control and less anxious.

Routines are not just for your child. They help you feel more confident and less stressed too.

Distraction Techniques

Sometimes, your child needs a break from tough feelings or situations. Distraction techniques can help your child calm down and refocus. You can use simple tools or activities to shift your child’s attention.

Fiddle Toys

Fiddle toys are small objects your child can hold and play with. These toys help your child stay busy and calm.

You might use a stress ball, a fidget spinner, or a squishy toy. Fiddle toys give your child something to do with their hands. This can lower anxiety and help your child focus.

• Fiddle toys work well during transitions or waiting times.
• You can keep a basket of toys in your child’s favorite spot.
• Let your child choose which toy feels best.

Try using a fiddle toy during homework or car rides. It can help your child stay relaxed and focused.

Calming Music

Music can help your child feel peaceful. Soft, gentle songs can lower stress and help your child relax. You might play calming music during bedtime, after school, or when your child feels upset.

• Choose music your child likes. Some children prefer nature sounds or classical music.
• Use headphones if your child needs quiet time.
• Play music in the background during routines to make them smoother.

Music can turn a tough moment into a calm one. You can use it as part of your daily routine or as a quick way to help your child reset.

You know your child best. Try different distraction techniques and see what works for your family.

Emotional Regulation

Helping your child manage emotions is one of the most important things you can do. Emotional regulation means your child learns how to handle big feelings like anger, frustration, or sadness.

Many autistic children struggle with this. You might see meltdowns, shutdowns, or stubborn behavior when emotions get too strong.

You can teach your child skills to calm down and feel safe. Here are some ways to support emotional regulation every day:

1. Name the Feeling

Start by helping your child recognize emotions. Use simple words like “happy,” “sad,” “angry,” or “worried.” You can point to pictures or use emotion cards. When your child knows what they feel, it gets easier to talk about it.

Try saying, “It looks like you feel upset. Is that right?” This helps your child connect words to feelings.

2. Model Calm Behavior

Your child learns from watching you. If you stay calm during tough moments, your child sees how to handle stress. You can say out loud what you do to calm down. For example, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m taking deep breaths.”

3. Practice Coping Skills

Show your child different ways to calm down. You can practice these skills together when things are quiet. Some ideas include:

• Deep breathing (smell the flower, blow out the candle)
• Counting to ten
• Squeezing a stress ball
• Listening to calming music
• Taking a break in a quiet spot

Make a list of coping skills your child likes. Hang it on the wall or keep it in a notebook.

4. Use Visual Supports for Emotions

Visual tools can help your child understand and manage feelings. You can use:

These supports give your child a way to ask for help without using words.

5. Create a Calm Down Routine

Build a simple routine your child can use when emotions run high. You might say, “When you feel upset, you can go to your calm corner, squeeze your toy, and listen to music.” Practice this routine often so your child remembers it during tough times.

6. Praise Efforts

Notice when your child tries to manage their feelings. Say things like, “I saw you took deep breaths when you were mad. That was great!” Positive feedback helps your child feel proud and want to keep trying.

Every child is different. Some kids need more time to learn these skills. Be patient and keep practicing together.

Example: Handling a Meltdown

Imagine your child starts yelling and refuses to move. You can:

1. Stay calm and speak softly.
2. Name the feeling: “You seem really angry.”
3. Offer a coping skill: “Would you like to squeeze your stress ball or listen to music?”
4. Give space if needed. Let your child know you are nearby.
5. Praise any effort to calm down, even if it’s small.

Emotional regulation takes time. You help your child by teaching, modeling, and practicing these skills every day. Over time, your child will learn to handle big feelings in a safer way.

Rewards & Consequences

Positive Reinforcement

You can shape your child’s behavior by focusing on what they do well. Positive reinforcement means you reward good choices, which helps your child want to repeat them.

When you notice and praise your child for following directions or trying something new, you build their confidence. You might give a high-five, a sticker, or extra playtime. These rewards make your child feel proud and safe.

Positive reinforcement is a key part of autism therapy, especially in ABA. When you give a reward right after your child does something positive, you help them learn faster.

This approach boosts self-esteem and lowers anxiety. Your child feels more comfortable and open to learning. Research shows that children who get regular positive feedback often make big improvements over time.

Here are some ways to use positive reinforcement:

• Pick rewards your child loves, like a favorite snack or toy.
• Give praise right away so your child connects the reward to their action.
• Mix easy requests with rewards to keep your child interested.

Keep a list of your child’s favorite rewards. Use them when you see good behavior.

Clear Rules

Setting clear and simple rules helps your child know what to expect. When you use the same rules every day, your child feels safe and less anxious.

You can show rules with pictures, charts, or short sentences. This makes it easier for your child to understand and follow them.

Predictable routines and clear expectations help your child manage their feelings and actions. When your child knows what comes next, they can handle changes better. You might use a daily schedule or a checklist for chores. These tools help your child stay on track and feel more confident.

• Daily routines make your child feel safe.
• Predictable schedules lower anxiety.
• Familiar steps help your child join activities more easily.

Review rules together often. Let your child help make charts or pick pictures for their schedule.

Quiet Time

Sometimes your child needs a break to calm down. Quiet time gives your child a safe space to relax and regain control.

You can set up a cozy corner with soft pillows, headphones, or favorite books. When your child feels overwhelmed, invite them to use this space.

Allowing breaks helps your child manage big feelings before they turn into meltdowns. You might notice your child getting upset or anxious. Offer quiet time before things get too hard. This helps your child feel secure and ready to try again.

• Create a peaceful spot at home or school.
• Let your child take breaks when they need to.
• Move your child away from bright lights or loud sounds.
• Offer headphones or sunglasses if your child is sensitive to noise or light.

Ask your child if they want quiet time when you see signs of stress. Respect their need for space and let them return when they feel ready.

Using rewards and consequences in a gentle, structured way helps your child learn and grow. You build trust, lower anxiety, and encourage positive choices every day.

Examples

Morning Routine

Mornings can feel tough, but you can make them smoother for your child. Start with a visual schedule that shows each step, like brushing teeth, getting dressed, and eating breakfast.

Pictures or simple words help your child know what comes next. You might even use a timer or play a favorite song to signal when it’s time to move to the next task.

Here are some ways to make mornings easier:

• Use a visual schedule on the wall or fridge.
• Set a timer for each task. When the timer goes off, move to the next step.
• Offer choices, like picking between two shirts or breakfast foods.
• Add a fun activity, such as a short dance party after finishing tasks.
• Keep the routine the same each day, even if things don’t go perfectly.
• Try sensory activities, like squeezing a stress ball or jumping in place, to help your child wake up and feel calm.
• Use social stories to explain what happens in the morning.

If your child gets stuck, stay calm and use gentle reminders. Celebrate small wins, like finishing breakfast on time.

Mealtime

Mealtime can be a challenge, especially if your child feels anxious or picky. A consistent routine helps your child know what to expect.

Try to have meals at the same time every day. Use a visual schedule to show when it’s time to eat and what will happen.

You can make mealtime smoother by:

• Keeping the table setup the same each day.
• Letting your child choose between two foods or drinks.
• Gradually teaching your child to sit at the table, even for a few minutes at first.
• Using a timer to show how long mealtime will last.
• Praising your child for trying new foods or sitting with the family.

A predictable routine lowers anxiety and helps your child enjoy meals more. If your child feels overwhelmed, offer a quiet break or let them use headphones to block out noise.

Small steps matter. If your child sits for two minutes today, that’s progress!

Homework

Homework time often brings stress for both you and your child. You can help by setting up a clear, simple routine. Pick a quiet spot with few distractions.

Use a visual checklist to break homework into small steps, like “write your name,” “answer question one,” and “take a short break.”

Try these strategies:

• Start homework at the same time each day.
• Give clear, simple instructions for each task.
• Use your child’s interests to make homework more fun. For example, use dinosaur stickers for each finished page.
• Offer rewards, like extra screen time or a favorite snack, for completing work.
• Keep the workspace free from noise and clutter.
• Work with teachers to adjust assignments if needed.

Celebrate effort, not just results. If your child tries hard, give lots of praise—even if the work isn’t perfect.

Outings

Taking your autistic child on outings can feel stressful. You might worry about meltdowns, stubborn moments, or unexpected changes. Outings do not have to be scary. With a little planning, you can help your child feel safe and enjoy new places.

Before the Outing

Start by preparing your child. Talk about where you will go and what you will do. Use pictures or a simple story to show each step.

You can say, “First, we will drive to the park. Next, we will play on the swings. Then, we will have a snack.” This helps your child know what to expect.

Pack a “comfort kit” with favorite items. You might include:

• Fiddle toys or a stress ball
• Headphones for loud places
• A small snack or drink
• A favorite book or blanket

Show your child the comfort kit before you leave. Let them help pick what goes inside.

During the Outing

Stick to your plan as much as possible. If you need to change something, let your child know right away. Use a calm voice and simple words. For example, “The playground is closed. We will go to the library instead.”

Offer choices when you can. You might ask, “Do you want to walk or ride in the stroller?” Choices help your child feel in control.

Watch for signs of stress. If your child covers their ears or starts to fidget, offer a break. Find a quiet spot or use headphones. Sometimes, a few minutes away from the crowd can help your child reset.

Here’s a quick table to help you remember what to do:

After the Outing

Praise your child for trying. Even small steps matter. You can say, “You did a great job waiting in line!” or “I’m proud of you for using your headphones when it got loud.”

Talk about what went well. Ask your child what they liked. This helps build confidence for next time.

Outings may not always go as planned. That’s okay. Each trip is a chance to learn and grow together.

With practice, outings can become easier. You and your child can make happy memories, one step at a time.

Getting Help

When to Get Help

Sometimes, stubborn behavior in your autistic child feels like more than just a tough day. You might wonder if it’s time to reach out for extra support. Here are some signs that tell you it’s a good idea to seek professional help:

• Your child’s stubborn thinking or rigid routines make daily life very hard.
• You notice your child struggles to handle changes, even small ones.
• Meltdowns or refusal to cooperate happen often and last a long time.
• You feel stuck, worried, or unsure about what to do next.

Mental health professionals can look at the big picture. They help you find out what causes the stubborn behavior. With their help, you can get a plan that fits your child’s needs. These experts know how to teach flexibility and support your child’s well-being.

Trust your instincts. If you feel overwhelmed or your child’s behavior gets in the way of family life, it’s okay to ask for help.

Who Can Help

You don’t have to handle everything alone. Many professionals and services can support you and your child. Here are some people and programs that can make a difference:

• Mental health professionals work with families to create plans that fit your needs.
• ABA therapists teach new skills and help reduce tough behaviors. They involve you in every step.
• Floor time specialists use play and your child’s interests to build connection and growth.
• SAFE therapists focus on helping the whole family work together.
• Parent support groups offer advice, understanding, and a place to share your story.
• Respite care providers give you a break, so you can rest and recharge.

These helpers can also teach you about autism, show you ways to support your child, and help your family talk and work together better.

How to Seek Support

You can take simple steps to find the help you need. Here’s a path you can follow:

1. Create Structure: Set up routines at home. This helps your child know what to expect and can lower stubborn behavior.
2. Set Reasonable Expectations: Break big goals into small steps. Celebrate each success, no matter how small.
3. Access Professional Help: Reach out to an ABA therapist or mental health professional. They can guide you with strategies that fit your child.

You can also connect with other parents. Try these ideas:

• Join local meetups for families with autistic children.
• Look for online forums or social media groups where you can share and learn.
• Contact organizations like Family Voices for local support groups.

Taking care of yourself matters too. Respite care gives you time to rest while someone you trust looks after your child. This helps you stay strong and ready to support your family.

Getting help is a sign of strength. You show your child that it’s okay to ask for support and that you’re always on their team.

Compassion & Connection

Build Relationships

You help your child most by building a caring bond. Trust grows when you listen and spend time together. Your child feels safe when you respect their feelings. This trust helps your child try new things.

When you have a good bond with your autistic child, many good things happen. Your child is more likely to join in and work with you. Strong bonds can lower tough behaviors and help with autism symptoms. Caring relationships help your child learn social and talking skills.

You do not need special tools to connect. Simple things like reading, playing games, or sitting together matter a lot. When you are kind and patient, your child learns to trust you. This trust makes it easier for them to face changes.

Every small act of kindness helps your child feel important.

Celebrate Progress

Every small step forward is important. When you celebrate your child’s progress, you help them feel proud. Even making eye contact or trying new food is a big win. These moments should be noticed.

You can clap, give a high-five, or dance together. Some families use a “success jar” and add notes for each win. These celebrations help your child see their growth. They also bring your family closer.

At the end of each day, talk about what went well. Celebrate together.

Encourage Advocacy

Teaching your child to speak up is very important. Self-advocacy helps your child feel strong and independent. You can start by letting your child pick snacks or clothes. Role-playing helps your child practice asking for help.

Advocacy brings many good things. Your child learns to say what they want and need. Each choice helps your child become more confident.

Role-playing and making choices help your child control their actions. Supportive places help your child handle their own behavior.

You can help by listening to your child’s words, signs, or pictures. When your child knows you care about their voice, they feel stronger.

Advocacy skills take time to grow. Celebrate every time your child tries to speak up or make a choice.

Compassion and connection help your autistic child do well. When you build strong bonds, celebrate every step, and support your child’s voice, you make a safe and loving place for them to grow.

You can help your autistic child with stubborn behavior. Stay calm and kind. Use routines that are easy to follow. Here are some important steps:

• Learn why your child acts this way.
• Make your home a safe and caring place.
• Keep routines the same for comfort.
• Try simple strategies every day.

Talk with other caregivers often. Celebrate small successes together. Ask for help if you need it. Each child is different. Your support matters a lot.

FAQ

What should you do if your child refuses to follow routines?

Try using visual schedules and offer choices. Stay calm and give gentle reminders. Praise small steps. If your child feels overwhelmed, let them take a short break before trying again.

How can you help your child handle changes in plans?

Prepare your child ahead of time. Use simple words or pictures to explain the change. Offer comfort items or a favorite activity. Stay positive and celebrate when your child copes well.

Why does your child repeat the same behaviors?

Repetitive actions help your child feel safe. These behaviors often lower anxiety or give comfort. You can gently introduce new activities while respecting your child’s need for routine.

What if your child has a meltdown in public?

Stay calm and move to a quiet spot if possible. Use calming tools like headphones or a favorite toy. Speak softly and let your child know you are there. Praise any effort to recover.

How do you encourage your child to try new foods?

Offer small tastes and let your child choose between two options. Use praise for any attempt. Keep mealtimes relaxed. Sometimes, letting your child help prepare food makes them more interested.

Can rewards help with stubborn behavior?

Yes! Rewards like stickers, extra playtime, or praise motivate your child. Use rewards right after positive behavior. Keep them simple and meaningful for your child.

When should you seek professional help?

Reach out if stubborn behavior makes daily life very hard or causes frequent meltdowns. Professionals can give you strategies and support. Trust your instincts and ask for help when you need it.

How do you talk to teachers about your child’s needs?

Share what works at home. Use a notebook or app to keep everyone updated. Ask teachers to use visual supports and routines. Stay in touch and work together for your child’s success.